Uh...so Dr Abby called me and I kicked Greg so hard in his balls, he got testicular torsion or whatever and has to have emergency surgery to like...take one of them away.

And I can't decide if I'm really kind of upset at myself for causing another human actual lasting bodily harm, or if I'm just mostly pleased with the rather incredible poetic justice. I took one of his balls. I mean, I'm a terrible fucking human being, but- Balls.

Hahhahaa, try to fuck someone now, arsehole. (yeah, I know you still can with a monoball but shhh okay)

Uncle Max, this is Danny. I got your number off of my Mum's phone. Can I ask you some questions?

Should be sleeping instead of spamming with my phone (and don't worry, I'll go to my weigh-in even though I haven't slept in a day and a half) but there's the threat of nightmares and my brain already feels wired and gross.

I keep wondering how much of me...the parts that people like...is all just because of what happened to me when I was a kid. I guess I'm nice and I try to be understanding because I know what pain is and I want to try to make other people experience as little pain as possible. But what if I didn't know? Would I care? Does that make those parts less real because they only came about through experience? Does that mean this new Danny who will form through all this bullshit will be less real or more real or- or is it all just pointless?

I got hit in the face tonight, by some girl who just flipped out with no warning. She didn't mean to hit me, I was just in her way, between her and the door she felt she needed to get to. She's okay now, but when she hit me I felt like I needed to do anything I could for her to avoid getting hit again. I found myself following her until one of the nurses snapped me out of it. The girl hit me and somehow that made me hers? And just...that is so messed up. I am so messed up.

So yeah. Wired and gross. But hey, I have something to ramble about in therapy tomorrow. Which I will be going to. Because I am a good boy who follows rules and doesn't get transferred anywhere or a tube shoved in his face.

I love you, Mum.

EDIT: OH GOD, I just read this again and realised it might seem like- I'm not going anywhere, I just felt like saying it.

I can't sleep because I keep having nightmares and that sucks a big hole. Sorry not sorry for saying hole.

EDIT 2: Still can't sleep, arrggghhhhhh fuckbananas. Not sorry for saying that either.

How are your classes? Is it nice to be back at work at least? Not thinking about your crazy son all the live long day? Though I reckon I'm probably really distracting and that I actually am sorry for even though it's not my fault.

I'm just going to ramble to you now. I had forgotten how weird group therapy is. Not really in a bad way, just- There's always the person who decides they're the leader and it's never the actual doctor. And they're all interrupt-y and this one is this girl named Maura and sometimes I want to poke her in the eyes but since I'm not a jerk I just sit there and glare while she tries to tell people how they're feeling until the doctors shut her down. And then there's the person who doesn't say anything. And the person who thinks they don't need it so they make offhand comments. And the ridiculous rules. But I mean...it does help, it's just a weird thing to get back into.

This week hasn't been good, but I'm sticking around. I really hope one day you'll believe that too.

I'm so tired :(

I was looking through photos the other day for a collage and found lots of Melissa on my harddrive. God I miss her. Made me really happy though, to see her smiling face. So I put one of the photos up on my wall. When I was younger and felt like I couldn't go on, she always made me feel stronger. Photo's not the same, but I can remember what she'd say. Like right now she'd say even if I had nightmares, I had a big sister who loved me when I woke up. And even though she's gone, just remembering that can make me realise I have you and Rachel and Cai and Dylan and Zoe and Wolf.

Still tired though.

This means I'm gonna sleep all day. Probably the doctors will call you. Sorry. I'm not good at sleeping schedules yet. Or ever, since I never have been. I haven't sleepwalked anywhere though! So that's something!

I just love you and I miss you a lot. Like. So much. I'm so sorry, Mum. I'm so sorry all this happening to me has meant your life is always about my shit. I used to wish Melissa and I could trade places, because you deserved better than to be left with the fucked up kid. God, apparently not sleeping well in four days makes me even more awkwardly honest. Anyway...I know it's not fair to wish that so I don't any more. Instead I just wish I could make it better for you. I want- I want to make you happy again but I don't know how.

Shit. I shouldn't say this.

EDIT 3: No, fuck it. I'm sick of hiding this shit.

EDIT 4: Okay, I actually am sorry for swearing a lot. I'll do all the chores for a month when I get home, okay? I'm just too exhausted to censor. Last sleep I really had was on the 4th. Since then it's just been like...an hour on and off and I wake up from horrible nightmares and then cry for hours.

...but getting back to the topic at hand, I love you.

Uh. So this might sound really fucked up, and my mother is going to freak out and try to stop me, but I think I have a day pass coming up soon and I kind of want to go visit Greg.

Not- Not to see him. I don't ever really want to see him again, but I think closure might be easier if I see the place he's being kept? I have some things I want to say too. And if I have to go testify at his trial, I really don't want the first time I see him again to be then. I might not be able to do it and then the trial's kind of fucked, right?

I can't go alone though, and I hate having to ask you guys because I honestly don't think anyone should ever have to see someone like him, but if I go alone I'll crumble. And I might crumble anyway. Honestly though, if you can't handle it, I completely understand. I can ask Gabe or Deirdre to come with me. I would never expect any of you to do this for me if you can't. I just had to ask.

I'm doing this. Don't know when, but I'm doing it. God, my Mum's going to kill me.

( I actually look okay here )

I cut the photo off at the wrists though since they still look kinda fucked up and I think they look gross and I hate them. But my face isn't cut or bruised and I like that. Gabe took this in the locker room even though I was just looking at it. I'm not allowed into the gym yet because of my heart. Which is actually a great excuse because I wouldn't want to go into the gym anyway. I did get dizzy today walking around the grounds though and I had to lie down on the grass so I didn't faint. So maybe I should stop trying to do so many things just because I don't have to lie in a bed and go everywhere in a wheel chair any more. My heart didn't suddenly repair itself, I just moved to a treatment facility they only let me come to because there's registered nurses here too.

Weigh-ins continue to make me feel like crap and being forced to eat makes me feel kind of like I'm in prison but I don't want to make it worse by losing weight uurrgghhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. Better than the nose tube. I am so thankful every day that shit is out of me.

This was supposed to be a cheery post because the picture looked okay. Oops. Okay, good things. Group therapy is actually really nice because I can talk about fucked up shit without worrying I'm breaking someone's brain. Because everyone in my PTSD group has been through something totally fucked up. It's...freeing.

Night still sucks though.

Guys!

So I was thinking that having something to look forward to would be nice for all of us. And in therapy Dr Abby keeps telling me I should give myself reasons to stick around for bad days, and plans in the future are good for that. She said it also helps other people believe I want to stick around. And I mean...if you aren't okay with this, that's fine because I can find something else to plan on!

BUT if you guys ARE okay with it, maybe we could take a trip together? I was thinking after Christmas, maybe before New Years while everyone who is in school still has holidays? We could rent a car and Cai (pls) could drive or we could find another way to get somewhere and I think it would be really fun.

Southend-on-sea seems really nice Lookie and not far away. I looked at a few accommodation options. There's a Tower Apartment or there's this Fisherperson's Cottage.

OR if we go further away, there's Margate which has this seabathing apartment whatever in the hell that means, or there's this awesome one!

What do you guys think?

It's so late at night and I can't sleep because I'm worried about Rachel AND I keep thinking-

I could have killed Greg. I could have strangled the life out of him with the damn chain he used to keep me on his bed and I didn't because I was terrified I might starve to death if he wasn't there to bring me food.

But now that I know I was rescued and I wouldn't have starved for long, I wish I had killed him. I'm kind of consumed by the anger that I didn't. Does wishing I murdered someone make me a bad person? I don't want to be a bad person.

Why can't I smoke some medicinal marijuana? Or eat the stuff they make into candy floss. This is bullshit.

Have to have more surgery tomorrow morning. Good thing is it means I don't have to struggle through eating my dinner because I'm not allowed anything anyway. Bad thing is what the surgery's for. And you know...where. I watched my mum's face as they explained it to her and it was shit. Just shit and I don't want it.

But it's been a month and I haven't developed HIV though, so...got that goin' for me.