Filtered to Val - edited to private and then opened to Val again.

[daniel_marlow]

I love you, Mum.

EDIT: OH GOD, I just read this again and realised it might seem like- I'm not going anywhere, I just felt like saying it.

I can't sleep because I keep having nightmares and that sucks a big hole. Sorry not sorry for saying hole.

EDIT 2: Still can't sleep, arrggghhhhhh fuckbananas. Not sorry for saying that either.

How are your classes? Is it nice to be back at work at least? Not thinking about your crazy son all the live long day? Though I reckon I'm probably really distracting and that I actually am sorry for even though it's not my fault.

I'm just going to ramble to you now. I had forgotten how weird group therapy is. Not really in a bad way, just- There's always the person who decides they're the leader and it's never the actual doctor. And they're all interrupt-y and this one is this girl named Maura and sometimes I want to poke her in the eyes but since I'm not a jerk I just sit there and glare while she tries to tell people how they're feeling until the doctors shut her down. And then there's the person who doesn't say anything. And the person who thinks they don't need it so they make offhand comments. And the ridiculous rules. But I mean...it does help, it's just a weird thing to get back into.

This week hasn't been good, but I'm sticking around. I really hope one day you'll believe that too.

I'm so tired :(

I was looking through photos the other day for a collage and found lots of Melissa on my harddrive. God I miss her. Made me really happy though, to see her smiling face. So I put one of the photos up on my wall. When I was younger and felt like I couldn't go on, she always made me feel stronger. Photo's not the same, but I can remember what she'd say. Like right now she'd say even if I had nightmares, I had a big sister who loved me when I woke up. And even though she's gone, just remembering that can make me realise I have you and Rachel and Cai and Dylan and Zoe and Wolf.

Still tired though.

This means I'm gonna sleep all day. Probably the doctors will call you. Sorry. I'm not good at sleeping schedules yet. Or ever, since I never have been. I haven't sleepwalked anywhere though! So that's something!

I just love you and I miss you a lot. Like. So much. I'm so sorry, Mum. I'm so sorry all this happening to me has meant your life is always about my shit. I used to wish Melissa and I could trade places, because you deserved better than to be left with the fucked up kid. God, apparently not sleeping well in four days makes me even more awkwardly honest. Anyway...I know it's not fair to wish that so I don't any more. Instead I just wish I could make it better for you. I want- I want to make you happy again but I don't know how.

Shit. I shouldn't say this.

EDIT 3: No, fuck it. I'm sick of hiding this shit.

EDIT 4: Okay, I actually am sorry for swearing a lot. I'll do all the chores for a month when I get home, okay? I'm just too exhausted to censor. Last sleep I really had was on the 4th. Since then it's just been like...an hour on and off and I wake up from horrible nightmares and then cry for hours.

...but getting back to the topic at hand, I love you.

Comments

[createdwebs.insanejournal.com]

I love you. There's nothing on this earth that could ever change how much I love you, unless it's loving you more which you bring out in me over and over. Mothers aren't supposed to burden their children with the knowledge of exactly how much of their lives revolves around them, but I'm not sad that mine is all about you. You and Melissa, from the day you both were both you were all that mattered to me. It broke my heart when Ross left, when he cheated and pulled our family apart, but I love the both of you kids with more of myself than I could even imagine about him. You're my blood. You're a part of me, you came from me and no matter how far away you are, you will always be my son, my dearest sweetest love.

There. That mush is for you and it always will be.

I do believe that you're sticking around, Danny. I was serious when I offered to help you end it. It would have killed me, but for you I would do anything, even if that was you asking me to make it all stop. My sweet boy, there's nothing in the world I wouldn't do for you, even that. I want you to live, and I want to help you find reasons and ways every single day to want to live yourself, but if it comes to it I will understand if you have to leave me. This isn't permission, but it is understanding. Danny, I love you and I am with you until the very end, whatever and whenever that may be. I hope it's a long long time from now. I hope it's long after I've gone and when you're lying old in a bed with everyone you love around you, holding your hand and ushering you out of this world. I truly have to believe that life will be beautiful for you one day, even if it's so dark now.

You never have to hide anything from me, kiddo. The only good thing this whole hell has given us is that you and I have a more honest relationship than any other mother and son. I hear other mums say "Oh, well, of course our sons won't tell us if ________" but I know that's rubbish with you and I, because we're open. I don't want that to change. I am happy to always be your confidante, but happy also for you to keep private the things you need to. You're your own person as well as my son. You're an adult and it's going to be time soon for you to be your own man.

(In a way I'm jealous of the closeness we have in regards to my own parents. I never really knew either of them in any real way. I didn't tell my mother anything about myself and I think she expected that. It's sad now when I think about it, because I wish I'd gotten to know them as people before they died. Only in my closeness with you have I come to really appreciate what I lost there.)

You asked if I was enjoying being back in classes, and the answer is no, not really. I feel an obligation to my students but I don't enjoy it right now. Hopefully it's because my mind is on you and that will pass with time, but maybe it's because I don't have it in me anymore to care that much about so many other people. I've not become hard, I've just become more selective about the uses of my energy.

I miss having you here with me. The house is horribly quiet and every noise I still wake up and go to your bedroom to check on you, even though you're not there. I feel like I'll still be doing that long after you've moved away.

I don't know how you'll get happy again, kiddo, I honestly don't. All I can do is love you and support your every effort, and leave you in the hands of people more capable and knowledgeable than myself.

[daniel_marlow]

I like mush! I'm going to read it on bad days.

I'm not leaving you, Mum. Sometimes I still want to, but I'm not. I love you too much. So I'll figure this stuff out and make my own way, whatever in the hell that means.

Hah, well that's true. Most other kids don't tell their mothers about romantic entanglements, no, but you have to know. We haven't done anything since her birthday, by the way, Rachel and I. I think we're both too exhausted.

I'm sorry you never got to know your parents. I wish I'd gotten to know them too, tbh. I wouldn't trade what I have with you for anything, but I do wish I could give you that with your own mum.

Argh, I'm sorry I'm so distracting. And I know it's not my fault, it's not like I chose to be abducted. Are you thinking about changing careers? Hey, have you ever spent time with Zoe's mums? They're really awesome and you should all be friends and Zoe's mum Liz manages a shelter and she's really great. Make friends, Mum.

Can't I just live with you forever :(

I said I want to make you happy, though I'm seriously not surprised you missed that.

[createdwebs.insanejournal.com]

I think I'm too old to make new friends, kiddo. It gets a lot harder to do when you're an adult, unfortunately, even if you don't have trust issues. I'm not unhappy with my life though. For work, I don't know if I want to change careers. Again, I feel like I'm too old to switch it up now. I'm not trained for anything else and the idea of actually doing training sounds exhausting. I don't even know what else I'd want anyway.

Oh Danny, you know I'd let you live with me forever and we could be like a terrible co-dependent thing for the rest of our lives, but I'm pretty sure soon enough you'll be flying the coop, just like you're meant to. I'm not in a hurry for it though.

You always make me happy. You're the best thing I've ever done. I'd trade that silver medal for you any day, kiddo.

[daniel_marlow]

Mum, that's such crap! You can too make new friends, and you're not old! Maybe when I'm better we can talk about it? Then you won't have me worry in the back of your mind the whole time?

I'm not in a hurry either. I don't really feel safe anywhere else.

Really?

Okay well. I'm not doing well this week. I haven't eaten much of anything. Maybe can you come by tomorrow morning with pancakes? If you're there, I think I can get them down.