daniel_marlow: (Socute)
Uh...so Dr Abby called me and I kicked Greg so hard in his balls, he got testicular torsion or whatever and has to have emergency surgery to like...take one of them away.

And I can't decide if I'm really kind of upset at myself for causing another human actual lasting bodily harm, or if I'm just mostly pleased with the rather incredible poetic justice. I took one of his balls. I mean, I'm a terrible fucking human being, but- Balls.

Hahhahaa, try to fuck someone now, arsehole. (yeah, I know you still can with a monoball but shhh okay)


Oct. 17th, 2014 12:08 pm
daniel_marlow: (Not cool)
Jesus fuck.
daniel_marlow: (Seriously worried)
Uncle Max, this is Danny. I got your number off of my Mum's phone. Can I ask you some questions?
daniel_marlow: (Quiet look down)
This eating every day thing seems to have reawakened my appetite. That's a double-edged sword because every time I even slightly feel hungry I shove whatever's available in my mouth (food, you pervs). Which is good on one hand because I need to gain about twenty kilos before I even reach the lower edge of 'healthy weight' and twenty seven I think before I get back to where I was before all of this.

(The lady weighing me two days ago told me that if I was I female I would have stopped having periods and I just had no idea how to respond to that so I hissed something like 'uh...thanks?' and ran away. I actually ran. Then today I informed her out of nowhere that not all females have uteruses and not all people with uteruses are female and she'd forgotten what she said to me so it came out of nowhere so I'm pretty sure she thinks I'm off my meds which I am not.)

Anyway, I just...the idea of starving ever again is terrifying. God, I was so hungry I was fantasising about eating grass?? I mean, not just grass, that'd be really weird, I fantisised about eating everything, but I kept thinking all I had to do was get outside and I could eat handfuls of grass and it would help the ache. Which actually makes no sense because if I could get outside I could have gone to a fucking buffet instead of just stuffing my face with the lawn, but there you go.

So now I'm so afraid of ever getting to that point again that I'm not just stockpiling bottles of water (thirst also bad) in my room anymore. There's snacks everywhere too (some of them hidden and no way in hell I'm telling anyone where they are) and I'm going to end up weighing 400 kilos because I just panic when my stomach growls and eat all the things.

Don't worry, I talked about it with my therapists and stuff. I'm just trying to be open with the people in my life too. So...one step forward, two steps...sideways?
daniel_marlow: (Severe profile)
Should be sleeping instead of spamming with my phone (and don't worry, I'll go to my weigh-in even though I haven't slept in a day and a half) but there's the threat of nightmares and my brain already feels wired and gross.

I keep wondering how much of me...the parts that people like...is all just because of what happened to me when I was a kid. I guess I'm nice and I try to be understanding because I know what pain is and I want to try to make other people experience as little pain as possible. But what if I didn't know? Would I care? Does that make those parts less real because they only came about through experience? Does that mean this new Danny who will form through all this bullshit will be less real or more real or- or is it all just pointless?

I got hit in the face tonight, by some girl who just flipped out with no warning. She didn't mean to hit me, I was just in her way, between her and the door she felt she needed to get to. She's okay now, but when she hit me I felt like I needed to do anything I could for her to avoid getting hit again. I found myself following her until one of the nurses snapped me out of it. The girl hit me and somehow that made me hers? And just...that is so messed up. I am so messed up.

So yeah. Wired and gross. But hey, I have something to ramble about in therapy tomorrow. Which I will be going to. Because I am a good boy who follows rules and doesn't get transferred anywhere or a tube shoved in his face.
daniel_marlow: (Shadows)
I think it might be best if I don't have any visitors beyond my mum and Rachel for a while. I got in trouble this morning and if I miss anything again for awhile- It just- It won't be good. They kept talking about transfers and I can't do that.

If I end up locked in some room or tied down, all those promises I made? Sorry, but in that case they're meaningless.
daniel_marlow: (Severe profile)
I love you, Mum.

EDIT: OH GOD, I just read this again and realised it might seem like- I'm not going anywhere, I just felt like saying it.

I can't sleep because I keep having nightmares and that sucks a big hole. Sorry not sorry for saying hole.

EDIT 2: Still can't sleep, arrggghhhhhh fuckbananas. Not sorry for saying that either.

How are your classes? Is it nice to be back at work at least? Not thinking about your crazy son all the live long day? Though I reckon I'm probably really distracting and that I actually am sorry for even though it's not my fault.

I'm just going to ramble to you now. I had forgotten how weird group therapy is. Not really in a bad way, just- There's always the person who decides they're the leader and it's never the actual doctor. And they're all interrupt-y and this one is this girl named Maura and sometimes I want to poke her in the eyes but since I'm not a jerk I just sit there and glare while she tries to tell people how they're feeling until the doctors shut her down. And then there's the person who doesn't say anything. And the person who thinks they don't need it so they make offhand comments. And the ridiculous rules. But I mean...it does help, it's just a weird thing to get back into.

This week hasn't been good, but I'm sticking around. I really hope one day you'll believe that too.

I'm so tired :(

I was looking through photos the other day for a collage and found lots of Melissa on my harddrive. God I miss her. Made me really happy though, to see her smiling face. So I put one of the photos up on my wall. When I was younger and felt like I couldn't go on, she always made me feel stronger. Photo's not the same, but I can remember what she'd say. Like right now she'd say even if I had nightmares, I had a big sister who loved me when I woke up. And even though she's gone, just remembering that can make me realise I have you and Rachel and Cai and Dylan and Zoe and Wolf.

Still tired though.

This means I'm gonna sleep all day. Probably the doctors will call you. Sorry. I'm not good at sleeping schedules yet. Or ever, since I never have been. I haven't sleepwalked anywhere though! So that's something!

I just love you and I miss you a lot. Like. So much. I'm so sorry, Mum. I'm so sorry all this happening to me has meant your life is always about my shit. I used to wish Melissa and I could trade places, because you deserved better than to be left with the fucked up kid. God, apparently not sleeping well in four days makes me even more awkwardly honest. Anyway...I know it's not fair to wish that so I don't any more. Instead I just wish I could make it better for you. I want- I want to make you happy again but I don't know how.

Shit. I shouldn't say this.

EDIT 3: No, fuck it. I'm sick of hiding this shit.

EDIT 4: Okay, I actually am sorry for swearing a lot. I'll do all the chores for a month when I get home, okay? I'm just too exhausted to censor. Last sleep I really had was on the 4th. Since then it's just been like...an hour on and off and I wake up from horrible nightmares and then cry for hours.

...but getting back to the topic at hand, I love you.
daniel_marlow: (Scared up)
Can incubuses send nightmares?
daniel_marlow: (Seriously worried)
Uh. So this might sound really fucked up, and my mother is going to freak out and try to stop me, but I think I have a day pass coming up soon and I kind of want to go visit Greg.

Not- Not to see him. I don't ever really want to see him again, but I think closure might be easier if I see the place he's being kept? I have some things I want to say too. And if I have to go testify at his trial, I really don't want the first time I see him again to be then. I might not be able to do it and then the trial's kind of fucked, right?

I can't go alone though, and I hate having to ask you guys because I honestly don't think anyone should ever have to see someone like him, but if I go alone I'll crumble. And I might crumble anyway. Honestly though, if you can't handle it, I completely understand. I can ask Gabe or Deirdre to come with me. I would never expect any of you to do this for me if you can't. I just had to ask.

I'm doing this. Don't know when, but I'm doing it. God, my Mum's going to kill me.
daniel_marlow: (Strong)
Can't sleep.

Found a picture of me leaving the hospital the other day though.

. )

I don't know which one of you took that, but I look terrible! My hair is so- Wow. I was bitching today too, about being forced to eat so much and Gabe took a photo of my face and showed it to me, and I looked pathetic so that got me to shut up about it. Well played.

I'm so tired, why can't I sleep?

Maybe this was a bad idea.
daniel_marlow: (Smile Light)
I actually look okay here )

I cut the photo off at the wrists though since they still look kinda fucked up and I think they look gross and I hate them. But my face isn't cut or bruised and I like that. Gabe took this in the locker room even though I was just looking at it. I'm not allowed into the gym yet because of my heart. Which is actually a great excuse because I wouldn't want to go into the gym anyway. I did get dizzy today walking around the grounds though and I had to lie down on the grass so I didn't faint. So maybe I should stop trying to do so many things just because I don't have to lie in a bed and go everywhere in a wheel chair any more. My heart didn't suddenly repair itself, I just moved to a treatment facility they only let me come to because there's registered nurses here too.

Weigh-ins continue to make me feel like crap and being forced to eat makes me feel kind of like I'm in prison but I don't want to make it worse by losing weight uurrgghhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. Better than the nose tube. I am so thankful every day that shit is out of me.

This was supposed to be a cheery post because the picture looked okay. Oops. Okay, good things. Group therapy is actually really nice because I can talk about fucked up shit without worrying I'm breaking someone's brain. Because everyone in my PTSD group has been through something totally fucked up. It's...freeing.

Night still sucks though.
daniel_marlow: (Wary)
I get out of the hospital on Friday. I'll be transferring to Priory in the evening and I'm a little terrified.

Zoe? Do you think if you don't have a class then, you could be there and bring Wolf? I miss my boy so much. I want to give him puppycuddles before I check in.
daniel_marlow: (Profile Smile)

So I was thinking that having something to look forward to would be nice for all of us. And in therapy Dr Abby keeps telling me I should give myself reasons to stick around for bad days, and plans in the future are good for that. She said it also helps other people believe I want to stick around. And I mean...if you aren't okay with this, that's fine because I can find something else to plan on!

BUT if you guys ARE okay with it, maybe we could take a trip together? I was thinking after Christmas, maybe before New Years while everyone who is in school still has holidays? We could rent a car and Cai (pls) could drive or we could find another way to get somewhere and I think it would be really fun.

Southend-on-sea seems really nice Lookie and not far away. I looked at a few accommodation options. There's a Tower Apartment or there's this Fisherperson's Cottage.

OR if we go further away, there's Margate which has this seabathing apartment whatever in the hell that means, or there's this awesome one!

What do you guys think?
daniel_marlow: (Hehehe)
Totally took a screenshot of that bootyshorts snapchat and sent it to Nonnie, Cai!
daniel_marlow: (Just Down)
It's so late at night and I can't sleep because I'm worried about Rachel AND I keep thinking-

I could have killed Greg. I could have strangled the life out of him with the damn chain he used to keep me on his bed and I didn't because I was terrified I might starve to death if he wasn't there to bring me food.

But now that I know I was rescued and I wouldn't have starved for long, I wish I had killed him. I'm kind of consumed by the anger that I didn't. Does wishing I murdered someone make me a bad person? I don't want to be a bad person.
daniel_marlow: (Happy smile)
Guys, guys!

On a not totally horrible, depressing note! Rachel's birthday is coming up and I want to do something special. Can I send money with you and have you pick up presents for me? I'd shop the gift shop here but uh...yeah, no.

I want lots of roses too and I'm going to wear clothes and we'll have nice food and not like candlelit because the nurses will kill me, but I'm making a playlist now and I want to try to be well enough to at least sit in my wheelchair to go outside for a walk if not amble along with her.

She deserves something awesome. I want to give her so much awesome.
daniel_marlow: (Glasses computer)
Why can't I smoke some medicinal marijuana? Or eat the stuff they make into candy floss. This is bullshit.
daniel_marlow: (So many arched brows)
daniel_marlow: (Displeasure)
Have to have more surgery tomorrow morning. Good thing is it means I don't have to struggle through eating my dinner because I'm not allowed anything anyway. Bad thing is what the surgery's for. And you know...where. I watched my mum's face as they explained it to her and it was shit. Just shit and I don't want it.

But it's been a month and I haven't developed HIV though, so...got that goin' for me.
daniel_marlow: (Rub Neck)
Bad night last night. Didn't feel like eating and the nurse was being all forceful about it and it got bad and I freaked out and threw a spoon at her and now I'm an arsehole. I mean. It was plastic. I HAVE PTSD DON'T TRY TO FORCE ME TO DO THINGS GODDAMMIT. So then they thought they should strap me down and that freaked me out and I was screaming and there were lots of people and then there was a sedative and that was actually kind of nice. Especially since they might have had to fix up some of my staples. Glad I was asleep for that. Hurts like fuck right now.

Obviously not restrained any more, but I still feel like shit. Trying not to stop eating out of a stubborn desire to control one thing in my fucking life right now. Guys. Don't let me do this? I am going to try to do this and I'm going to be sneaky about it on my bad days and I'm going to be annoyed when you use logic on me but at least I know you won't act like Nurse Forceful who is now not allowed near my room, btw. Because that shit wasn't my fault. I actually felt sick last night, I wasn't trying to be difficult. Now I'm all adrenaline-y and I want to cry all the time.

But I'm talking about it. Dr Abby told me to write it down because it's better to get it out, right? So yeah. I'd still like to see people, just know I'm not going to be cheerful and I might be kind of bitchy. I'm just-

Fuck. Fuck don't try to shove something in my mouth, for fuck's sake.
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