Friends Only

[daniel_marlow]

This eating every day thing seems to have reawakened my appetite. That's a double-edged sword because every time I even slightly feel hungry I shove whatever's available in my mouth (food, you pervs). Which is good on one hand because I need to gain about twenty kilos before I even reach the lower edge of 'healthy weight' and twenty seven I think before I get back to where I was before all of this.

(The lady weighing me two days ago told me that if I was I female I would have stopped having periods and I just had no idea how to respond to that so I hissed something like 'uh...thanks?' and ran away. I actually ran. Then today I informed her out of nowhere that not all females have uteruses and not all people with uteruses are female and she'd forgotten what she said to me so it came out of nowhere so I'm pretty sure she thinks I'm off my meds which I am not.)

Anyway, I just...the idea of starving ever again is terrifying. God, I was so hungry I was fantasising about eating grass?? I mean, not just grass, that'd be really weird, I fantisised about eating everything, but I kept thinking all I had to do was get outside and I could eat handfuls of grass and it would help the ache. Which actually makes no sense because if I could get outside I could have gone to a fucking buffet instead of just stuffing my face with the lawn, but there you go.

So now I'm so afraid of ever getting to that point again that I'm not just stockpiling bottles of water (thirst also bad) in my room anymore. There's snacks everywhere too (some of them hidden and no way in hell I'm telling anyone where they are) and I'm going to end up weighing 400 kilos because I just panic when my stomach growls and eat all the things.

Don't worry, I talked about it with my therapists and stuff. I'm just trying to be open with the people in my life too. So...one step forward, two steps...sideways?

Comments

[runrachelrun.insanejournal.com]

All this and i cant believe that theres twenty seven kilos less of you than before... Like thats an arm, or a leg, isn't it? I just cant believe it.

[daniel_marlow]

Haven't been eating right since early July, so I guess it makes sense. None of my clothes fit and when I look the mirror I know I don't really look like me.

[runrachelrun.insanejournal.com]

i know, and when I look at you I can tell, obviously, but thinking about it as 27 kilos is weird, I dont know, never mind.

[daniel_marlow]

No, I know what you mean! It is weird having a number on it. And it seems like a really big number.

[runrachelrun.insanejournal.com]

Its just weird to think of bits of us not existing any more.

I mean... it's weird that it isn't weird. Bits of us stop existing all the time, all the time. So...idk.

[daniel_marlow]

I hadn't thought of it like that but whoa...yeah.

[itsajesusthing.insanejournal.com]

Aw man, I don't even know what to say. Eating grass? That's so messed up. Is it okay that I say that it's messed up? Or is it like 'come on Cai of course it's messed up can't you think of something more constructive to say??'

[daniel_marlow]

It's okay you said that! It is messed up. I don't even know where it came from because I've never eaten grass before! It just hurt so bad so I guess maybe my brain was like 'need to fill. What is there a lot of for filling? Grass. There is a lot of grass. Fill with grass.' I kept imagining all the food I'd ever thrown away and just crying.

Which is also messed up! I don't ever like...expect you to say constructive things to fix all the problems, btw. I don't think things like that exist.

[itsajesusthing.insanejournal.com]

Well damn. What about talking about Wolf, is that helpful? He spent all day at my house today, since Zoe has an assignment. Faye is in love with him, you should know. She and Roe and Nonnie (and Wolf) turned up at the school gates today to walk me home, felt like an over-excited escort. (Not escort like a lady, just... you know)

[daniel_marlow]

Oh, we don't have to avoid the topic! I mean, unless you want to. I'm seriously frustrated by this because it's either don't eat and get everyone mad at me but I won't feel hungry and get all PTSD-y, or feel hungry, panic, and eat all the time.

At least when I'm eating though, I don't keel over in the hallway. Or on the way to the bathroom. Or like...every time I stand up ever. I thought it was my heart so I didn't say anything so people wouldn't freak out. But yeah, no, it was the no food thing. I'm a moron.

Wolf though! Not surprised Faye loves him because he's the BEST. Did you have a good visit with my boy? I miss him so much! (HAH well...good?)

[dylan-patrick.insanejournal.com]

well you're not brilliant.

eat the damn food, danny.

[daniel_marlow]

HAHHAH!

I aaaaaaammmmmmmmmmmmmmm, goddddddddddd.

[dylan-patrick.insanejournal.com]

good boy. you can be similarly tough with me with i have to go to physical therapy because it's going to be a pain in my arse.

[daniel_marlow]

MUahahhaha, okay! Can I come with and bring like a riding crop?!

[dylan-patrick.insanejournal.com]

you're a strange young man, danny.

[daniel_marlow]

Yes!

How are you today?

[dylan-patrick.insanejournal.com]

doing okay but i get my cast off on thursday so i'm just trying to be patient and failing.

[daniel_marlow]

Oh, Thursday! Exciting! I will distract you with snapchats.

[dylan-patrick.insanejournal.com]

those snapchats of you doing a shadowpuppet show were pretty epic.

[daniel_marlow]

Keepin' it real in the mental hospital 2K14!

[dylan-patrick.insanejournal.com]

oh, danny.

[daniel_marlow]

:D!