Friends Only

[daniel_marlow]

Should be sleeping instead of spamming with my phone (and don't worry, I'll go to my weigh-in even though I haven't slept in a day and a half) but there's the threat of nightmares and my brain already feels wired and gross.

I keep wondering how much of me...the parts that people like...is all just because of what happened to me when I was a kid. I guess I'm nice and I try to be understanding because I know what pain is and I want to try to make other people experience as little pain as possible. But what if I didn't know? Would I care? Does that make those parts less real because they only came about through experience? Does that mean this new Danny who will form through all this bullshit will be less real or more real or- or is it all just pointless?

I got hit in the face tonight, by some girl who just flipped out with no warning. She didn't mean to hit me, I was just in her way, between her and the door she felt she needed to get to. She's okay now, but when she hit me I felt like I needed to do anything I could for her to avoid getting hit again. I found myself following her until one of the nurses snapped me out of it. The girl hit me and somehow that made me hers? And just...that is so messed up. I am so messed up.

So yeah. Wired and gross. But hey, I have something to ramble about in therapy tomorrow. Which I will be going to. Because I am a good boy who follows rules and doesn't get transferred anywhere or a tube shoved in his face.

Comments

[lightningseed.insanejournal.com]

Oh Danny, you don't even know how often I think about this.

If I'd followed the trajectory I was on when I was eleven? Youngest girl in a house full of boys (one missing sister), Las Vegas, not rich, over-excited, hungry for any scrap of attention I got, total belief in a happy ending. If the thing happened that forced me to London, who would I be?

Or twelve and just in London, totally repressing all parental betrayal as hard as I possibly could by being as bright and sunny as possible. I started keeping a journal back then Danny and I am not the same person. Not at all. If I'd never met the Sisterhood, who would I be?

Or thirteen when I met the Sisterhood and thought I had found people who got me, thought I found people who I could do important things with, exciting, clever, vital girls. If Gloria hadn't... who would I be then?

We are the bits left over after the world has had its way with us. I don't think there's any way we can be anything else. And we can speculate on the other versions of us, the ones that didn't survive life in the same way we survived it, but we can never ever be them, so they are not real, not at all.

You can speculate about a Danny who doesn't care about people as much as you care, but he isn't real. He's had an easier life than you, probably, but that life never existed. He doesn't exist.

There's only you, as you are, right now. Empathy, kindness and messed up habits of survival. That's what real.

At least, that's how I see it. That's what makes sense to me, when ideas are rolling around in my head, after dark.

[daniel_marlow]

Yeah. That Danny never existed and I don't know what Danny will come out of this. I hope he's still kind and caring though. I- That's important to me.

A part of me wishes we had gotten to know each other sooner, but I don't know if it would have worked. I think we're good for each other though. Or- Well, you're good for me anyway. Everything you said makes so much sense. You make so much sense.

I don't know how I'm supposed to break out of those survival habits though. I didn't even think about it, it just happened. Makes me feel gross and worthless.

Am I gross?

[lightningseed.insanejournal.com]

I don't think we would have been friends if we'd met any earlier. I don't know if we would have been friends if we met without Rachel to be a motor mouth and make everything easier. If Rachel hadn't decided we are all going to be friends then I doubt we would have been, because I certainly wasn't going to keep pushing for it.

I would like it if you never doubted how good you've been for me.

My survival habits made me an isolated, angry bitch, and usually I took the worst of it out on the people who actually cared about me. No, I don't think you're gross or worthless for behaving in a way that you think will keep you safe. It is a dangerous kind of behavior since it can be exploited really easily, but that's what you're there to figure out how to overcome. I don't think surviving is gross.

[daniel_marlow]

Rachel is pretty amazing like that. I kept wanting to talk to you in art class because I guess I wanted to reach out. But I mean...I was shite at reaching out to my own brother so there's that.

I don't think I'm ever any good for anyone, Zoe. I try so hard and I feel like all I bring people is pain. I read back in your journal though, to the entries from when I was gone. You and Cai were just trying so hard to find the right Smith Street and getting everyone involved and Cai said he hadn't sleep in days and I just...I don't understand why anyone who isn't my mum would do that for me.

It is dangerous and I guess I'm lucky I trust you not to take advantage of it. I don't know if I trust everyone the same way.

Screened

[lightningseed.insanejournal.com]

I don't think you should trust everyone the way you trust me, I think that giving out too much trust is dumb because people will abuse it.

I remember you in art BR (before Rachel). I remember school was turning a bit weird, a bit normal. People weren't always treating me like the devil anymore, and sometimes quiet boys told me I was good at art. It was strange.

I'm going to screen this post now because I don't want everyone else to see this because reasons, but Danny, you make my hate myself less.

Like, my self-loathing levels are still pretty overwhelmingly high sometimes, but since you, they're coming down. It's not constant any more, and a lot of that is on you.

Screened

[daniel_marlow]

I'm having nightmares about someone and it's making me afraid of them and it isn't fair at all because they aren't Greg but- Argh.

Well you are! And I always thought people who treated you harshly were arseholes.

Really? Wow. Okay. Good then. I mean I don't know how I did that, but I'm glad. I am so glad I do that for you because I think you're amazing. I only wish you could see yourself like I do.