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Oct. 10th, 2014 04:25 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
daniel_marlowShould be sleeping instead of spamming with my phone (and don't worry, I'll go to my weigh-in even though I haven't slept in a day and a half) but there's the threat of nightmares and my brain already feels wired and gross.
I keep wondering how much of me...the parts that people like...is all just because of what happened to me when I was a kid. I guess I'm nice and I try to be understanding because I know what pain is and I want to try to make other people experience as little pain as possible. But what if I didn't know? Would I care? Does that make those parts less real because they only came about through experience? Does that mean this new Danny who will form through all this bullshit will be less real or more real or- or is it all just pointless?
I got hit in the face tonight, by some girl who just flipped out with no warning. She didn't mean to hit me, I was just in her way, between her and the door she felt she needed to get to. She's okay now, but when she hit me I felt like I needed to do anything I could for her to avoid getting hit again. I found myself following her until one of the nurses snapped me out of it. The girl hit me and somehow that made me hers? And just...that is so messed up. I am so messed up.
So yeah. Wired and gross. But hey, I have something to ramble about in therapy tomorrow. Which I will be going to. Because I am a good boy who follows rules and doesn't get transferred anywhere or a tube shoved in his face.
I keep wondering how much of me...the parts that people like...is all just because of what happened to me when I was a kid. I guess I'm nice and I try to be understanding because I know what pain is and I want to try to make other people experience as little pain as possible. But what if I didn't know? Would I care? Does that make those parts less real because they only came about through experience? Does that mean this new Danny who will form through all this bullshit will be less real or more real or- or is it all just pointless?
I got hit in the face tonight, by some girl who just flipped out with no warning. She didn't mean to hit me, I was just in her way, between her and the door she felt she needed to get to. She's okay now, but when she hit me I felt like I needed to do anything I could for her to avoid getting hit again. I found myself following her until one of the nurses snapped me out of it. The girl hit me and somehow that made me hers? And just...that is so messed up. I am so messed up.
So yeah. Wired and gross. But hey, I have something to ramble about in therapy tomorrow. Which I will be going to. Because I am a good boy who follows rules and doesn't get transferred anywhere or a tube shoved in his face.
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Screened
Date: 2014-10-10 10:30 am (UTC)I remember you in art BR (before Rachel). I remember school was turning a bit weird, a bit normal. People weren't always treating me like the devil anymore, and sometimes quiet boys told me I was good at art. It was strange.
I'm going to screen this post now because I don't want everyone else to see this because reasons, but Danny, you make my hate myself less.
Like, my self-loathing levels are still pretty overwhelmingly high sometimes, but since you, they're coming down. It's not constant any more, and a lot of that is on you.
Screened
Date: 2014-10-10 10:35 am (UTC)Well you are! And I always thought people who treated you harshly were arseholes.
Really? Wow. Okay. Good then. I mean I don't know how I did that, but I'm glad. I am so glad I do that for you because I think you're amazing. I only wish you could see yourself like I do.