daniel_marlow | Filtered away from Val

Current Mood: Upset

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Bad night last night. Didn't feel like eating and the nurse was being all forceful about it and it got bad and I freaked out and threw a spoon at her and now I'm an arsehole. I mean. It was plastic. I HAVE PTSD DON'T TRY TO FORCE ME TO DO THINGS GODDAMMIT. So then they thought they should strap me down and that freaked me out and I was screaming and there were lots of people and then there was a sedative and that was actually kind of nice. Especially since they might have had to fix up some of my staples. Glad I was asleep for that. Hurts like fuck right now.

Obviously not restrained any more, but I still feel like shit. Trying not to stop eating out of a stubborn desire to control one thing in my fucking life right now. Guys. Don't let me do this? I am going to try to do this and I'm going to be sneaky about it on my bad days and I'm going to be annoyed when you use logic on me but at least I know you won't act like Nurse Forceful who is now not allowed near my room, btw. Because that shit wasn't my fault. I actually felt sick last night, I wasn't trying to be difficult. Now I'm all adrenaline-y and I want to cry all the time.

But I'm talking about it. Dr Abby told me to write it down because it's better to get it out, right? So yeah. I'd still like to see people, just know I'm not going to be cheerful and I might be kind of bitchy. I'm just-

Fuck. Fuck don't try to shove something in my mouth, for fuck's sake.

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I hate them!! they are making it worse!

Well they're not helping, certainly.

When can you get out of there? Are you still shure the new place will be better?

I don't know. Probably longer now since I ripped things. I hope it'll be better since presumably the people will know about PTSD and the nurses here are all cardiowhatevers.

I don't even know what she could have been thinking.

I hope it is better!!??? That nurse needs to LEAVE.

Well she's not allowed near me again. At least Dr Abby knows what's up. She gave the woman a talking to and she calmed me down a lot. I'm glad she's allowed here after visiting hours because she has doctor rights.

I miss you. I feel like shit and I miss you.

I wish my arm wasnt so useless, I would climb in your window and sleep with you :( :(

You'd probably get in trouble which is bullshit. Don't try to climb, if you get hurt again I will feel even worse.

I'm not even going to try, its too hard rn.

I know you got hurt because of me and I'm sorry.

I got hurt because I was being crazy and I don't want you to be sorry about it.

I am just so sad because I don't want you to be in pain and if I hadn't been an idiot you wouldn't be.

And I also know guilt doesn't fucking help anything so I should stop.

Can we just kind of...curl up and do nothing tomorrow?

I'm so sad because i dont want you to be in pain and I'm so guilty I don't even know for what. I would love to do nothing tomorrow.

You feel guilty...about me? Or just...things in general? Yeah, doing nothing sounds perfect.

I don't know? everything? Sometimes it hits like I'm being punched in the stomach and I just know that I've done bad and everything is bad. I don't know. Just meds maybe. Or maybe I feel guilty I am not a witch who can turn invisible and sneak into your room and crawl into bed with you haha :)

Yeah, I get that. I feel like that too sometimes. If it helps, I don't think you ever do anything bad. Though being invisible would be handy. But you can crawl into bed with me in the morning and we can just watch stupid shit and nap and make sure we eat and nap more. And I can tell you how wonderful you are.

Lets just do that. I might cry. Soz not soz.

I might cry too. I think we're allowed.

We suck.

hdu we are the best.

Urgh, that sounds rough dude.

I mean.

Rough is probably putting it lightly.

Not going to try and force you to eat, but what if we bought in some non-hospital food like illicit Mariposa bums that would be, I dunno, not the food that they were trying to make you eat, would that sort of make it more in your control?

BUNS.

Mariposa buns.

Yeah. If my mum had been here she would have probably slapped someone again and been charged AGAIN and it would have been bad. Like. She tried to shove it in my mouth and I think she thought she was being funny, but by the way I said, "please stop," she probably should have figured out I wasn't amused. I had enough things shoved in my mouth I didn't want there.

I do like Mariposa buns. I don't think it will make me more in control though. I can feel myself doing it even though I know it's not a good idea. Argh.

Oh my god I was talking about food.

Holy shit I just meant he kept forcefeeding me fucking Pop Tarts and if I ever see another Pop Tart I am going to throw up.

NOTED: no tarts for Danny.

Ow I snorted and my tube didn't like that.

Fucking tubes. I want them to take it out which means I can't stop eating but I have this overwhelming desire to be like "you know what fuck you, watch this" which ISN'T HELPFUL TO ANYONE, DANIEL.

No it isn't!

I will snap chat you a picture of my sternest face, Danny.

I can imagine it pretty well actually...

I know it isn't. I know that. I just want to be in control of something and I feel so out of it right now.

So, can we find other things for you to be in control of instead, so food isn't such a big one? Abby might know some good ways of coping. You can't be the only person in the world with control issues.

Of course not. Every person with an eating disorder has one. I can ask her. I don't want this to be my Thing, it's just- After that, it just makes me want to not eat just to spite her.

When did I get this horrible?

You are so far from being horrible. Really. I know horrible.

Yeah. I guess so do I.

I shouldn't be doing something out of spite though. I think just knowing I'd disappoint you is reason enough not to fuck up here.

I can work with that.

I figured.

I mean...pretty sure I already disappointed you once.

Pretty sure I'll deal.

Pretty sure I love you.

Omg Zoe I laughed so hard!

(Snapchat is one word)

(loser)

(<3)

Omg I am sooooo embarrassed I can't even.

Can you send me a snapchat of your face saying this?

Only because it's you, Danny.

Oooh! If I take a screencap you're going to pinch me, aren't you?

For starters.

Oh no, tickle fight? That shit is like my Kryptonite.

Like hell I'm going to make you burst your staples again!

Well the tickle fight doesn't have to be imminent.

Oh man though. So much pain.

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