daniel_marlow | Friends Only

Current Mood: Balls

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Uh...so Dr Abby called me and I kicked Greg so hard in his balls, he got testicular torsion or whatever and has to have emergency surgery to like...take one of them away.

And I can't decide if I'm really kind of upset at myself for causing another human actual lasting bodily harm, or if I'm just mostly pleased with the rather incredible poetic justice. I took one of his balls. I mean, I'm a terrible fucking human being, but- Balls.

Hahhahaa, try to fuck someone now, arsehole. (yeah, I know you still can with a monoball but shhh okay)

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That is the best news I have heard all week.

Shoulda taken both of them, but I didn't know!

Also when like a gigantic bouquet of flowers ends up at your door tomorrow, that was me.

Oh.

...fuck, should I not have done that?

I feel so bad, Zoe. Shit, I'm sorry. Shit.

No, I just didn't know what to say.

I didn't know if they were 'thanks for being there' or 'sorry' and I handled my speechlessness beautifully.

They're kind of both, but really mostly the sorry thing. I still feel so bad for not telling you what I was doing. I thought it was the right thing and I just assumed you guys would know automatically I would never actually say those things to Greg. I mean...I guess I thought my feelings for him were pretty clear, but that doesn't mean I shouldn't have told you.

I thought you were trying to destroy yourself, Danny.

Fucking hell. I'm so sorry. I can't imagine-

Why did you think that? I've worked so hard, why would I destroy myself now?

Because I'm not a mind reader. Because I can see you're working hard but I can't see what is going on inside your head. Because I have no way of knowing how you really feel about anything because feelings change when you try to put them into words for other people. Because people have bad days and decide to ruin themselves. Because sometimes people can't help it. Because people are fine on the outside and on the inside they want to die. Because people go back to their abusers every day even when their abusers don't have a supernatural pull over them. Because I thought that if you were going to fake him out like that you would have trusted me to help.

I was just too afraid. I was too afraid to tell anyone and I promise I won't do it ever again.

I do still want to die sometimes, but it's happening less and less. And I'm working on being more open about how I feel, especially with Cai. You're right though, you can't read my mind and I should have realised that.

I'm still learning how to do this friendship thing. Until this year there was pretty much just Dylan. Ever. And I never really told Dylan anything until this year too. I'm learning how to trust people. I'm so, so sorry I fucked up. You've always been there for me. You're my guardian. I should have known if I could tell anyone, it was you.

Nah, fuck him. He deserves it, Danny.

I actually broke his finger too. Never saw myself as someone who could actually do that to another human being, but I pretty much lost it.

The man tortured you, he gets no sympathy from me.

He did. He really, really did.

Still. If he's the last person I ever hurt like that, I'll be really pleased.

You're a good person, Danny. Really.

Thanks, Gabe. Maybe if I hear it enough, I'll believe it.

Daniel Zachary Marlow, do I need to remind you what you did today? You faced that man and pretended to be on his side so you could find out who else he had hurt. And why did you do that, Danny?

...so I could make sure they're okay...

And if you think that's anything short of amazing, I'm going to start singing your praises every day while making sure you eat.

You're like my Looneybin Mum.

That is the weirdest thing you've said to me all week.

Just stating the truth! While artfully avoiding your praise! Lalala!~

I did notice. Now go to bed, or you're grounded.

Hhehehhehehee!

I'm going to have to agree with Gabe on this one, Danny.

Shhhh, nooooo.

Shhh, yesssss.

I just had to know. And now that it turns out there are people, I...I have to help because not helping them makes no sense to me.

Which is the precise reason I'm not afraid you're suddenly going to head out on the town, of a night, and start kicking bollocks off all higgledty-pigglety.

But it is a pretty hilarious mental image!

It's not without it's charms.

How are you doing tonight, Danny, joking aside?

A hell of a lot better than I thought I'd be doing. Still shaky and horrified by the things he said, especially the parts I wish you guys didn't know. I didn't tell you that shit for a reason. I hadn't actually told anyone that, not the police and not the lawyers and not the therapists or Dr Abby. It makes me uncomfortable knowing you guys have that knowledge, you know? Like...you can picture that. You all can picture me like that, disgusting and pitiful and broken and I hate that. I never wanted anyone to know I'd gotten that bad. But I guess...in the end, I just have to trust that you guys won't take advantage of it.

Uh...so there was what. See, I'm getting better at saying this shit! Really though...I'm coping. I wish you guys didn't know, but I'm not completely crushed by the fact that you do, and I'm really fucking proud of myself for that.

You are neither disgusting nor pitiful, Danny. And I would lie down on my own sword before I took advantage or you or anything you told me.

If it helps, I'm really proud of you too. And then I'm prouder because you're proud, which is just a very strange cycle of pride.

Ouch, your sword's massive!

Thanks, Dylan. Of course it helps.

That be what my lady sayeth!

...omg

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