Yeah, don't yell at him. It's not his fault I'm all fucked up.
I can't try to kill myself again, so at least you don't have to worry about that. I realised I should probably have explained that doing something stupid just meant trying to smuggle a chainsaw into RMMH and hurling it in Greg's general direction or something. My mum and I had a talk and I just- I can't. I can't be the thing that kills her. And it would. I know it would. Fucking hell.
So I'm sticking around, just...never sleeping again maybe.
I won't yell, I was in a shitty shitty place last time, whereas now I am the epitome of grace and patience.
Peter's going to heavily sedate him right now (sadly, I doubt he's going to use a brick) so even if he is managing to send nightmares out, he's going to be very, very unconscious for a while.
I wish I could ease your suffering, Danny, but I think all I can do is increase his.
He is?! Holy crap, your uncle is badass. Okay. Then maybe I'll try to sleep and see if they still happen? Urgh, going to sleep and hoping I DO have nightmares seems weird, but at least it means they aren't coming from him?
You do, Zo. I mean...I was thinking about how it's not just my Mum I should stay for because logically I know Cai would be all fucked up over it because this...naive idea I'll magically be fine, so I can't leave him because I have this inkling he'd just break. And I don't want to break him. And Rachel- I don't even know. But she's in love with me and I don't want to treat that like it means nothing, because it means fucking everything, so I can't leave her. And Dylan has been through enough lately, and he's going to need me if I can be around because he has to learn how to walk again. And then there's you. My best friend. My wonderful Zoe who saved me. I think you've lost enough, and I don't want to deprive you of someone else. I'm in a place where I can actually not be selfish and realise all this whereas when I electrocuted myself all I could see was my own pain.
And sometimes I wish no one gave a shit about me, but then I realise I don't really wish that, it would just be easier to be selfish.
Yeah I like Peter when he throws ethics to the wind. I'm trying to encourage him to do it more often. There's a difference between ethics and justice, you know?
It is easier to be selfish, I reckon. I did that for a long time. Till this year, really. It is a lot more painful to care about people and it's really, really freaking hard to unlearn and open up again and i know I've got a million more miles to go on that journey and most of the time I'm not sure I want to go any further but certain things like you saying what you just said do make me want to try. I know it's a different kind of selfish we're talking about but I know what you mean about all you can see is your own pain.
Look your wordvomit is infectious and it's late and I've lost my point but I'm going to post this anyway before I start agonizing over it.
I don't know that it's that much different. I mean...the reason I know I can wordvomit like this to you is because I know you'll understand. And I hope it doesn't come off as condescending because that's the last way I would ever mean it in, but I'm proud of you every day. If you want me to go on that million mile journey with you, I'll be there because I know you'll be with me while I learn how to fucking live my life again. And it's fucking hard and it sucks, but it sucks a little less when you smile at me because I know it's not always easy for you to be open with people.
You're alright though. No, you're Danny. There isn't anyone else I would talk about being open with. Not without actual vomit.
Now I've got class in six hours so if I don't go to sleep I'm going to suck at everything tomorrow. Here's wishing you a dreamless sleep, if you do sleep.
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timeasmymeasure
no subject
Date: 2014-10-07 11:34 am (UTC)Yeah, don't yell at him. It's not his fault I'm all fucked up.
I can't try to kill myself again, so at least you don't have to worry about that. I realised I should probably have explained that doing something stupid just meant trying to smuggle a chainsaw into RMMH and hurling it in Greg's general direction or something. My mum and I had a talk and I just- I can't. I can't be the thing that kills her. And it would. I know it would. Fucking hell.
So I'm sticking around, just...never sleeping again maybe.
no subject
Date: 2014-10-07 11:39 am (UTC)Peter's going to heavily sedate him right now (sadly, I doubt he's going to use a brick) so even if he is managing to send nightmares out, he's going to be very, very unconscious for a while.
I wish I could ease your suffering, Danny, but I think all I can do is increase his.
no subject
Date: 2014-10-07 11:47 am (UTC)He is?! Holy crap, your uncle is badass. Okay. Then maybe I'll try to sleep and see if they still happen? Urgh, going to sleep and hoping I DO have nightmares seems weird, but at least it means they aren't coming from him?
You do, Zo. I mean...I was thinking about how it's not just my Mum I should stay for because logically I know Cai would be all fucked up over it because this...naive idea I'll magically be fine, so I can't leave him because I have this inkling he'd just break. And I don't want to break him. And Rachel- I don't even know. But she's in love with me and I don't want to treat that like it means nothing, because it means fucking everything, so I can't leave her. And Dylan has been through enough lately, and he's going to need me if I can be around because he has to learn how to walk again. And then there's you. My best friend. My wonderful Zoe who saved me. I think you've lost enough, and I don't want to deprive you of someone else. I'm in a place where I can actually not be selfish and realise all this whereas when I electrocuted myself all I could see was my own pain.
And sometimes I wish no one gave a shit about me, but then I realise I don't really wish that, it would just be easier to be selfish.
Augh. This is what happens when I can't sleep.
no subject
Date: 2014-10-07 11:59 am (UTC)It is easier to be selfish, I reckon. I did that for a long time. Till this year, really. It is a lot more painful to care about people and it's really, really freaking hard to unlearn and open up again and i know I've got a million more miles to go on that journey and most of the time I'm not sure I want to go any further but certain things like you saying what you just said do make me want to try. I know it's a different kind of selfish we're talking about but I know what you mean about all you can see is your own pain.
Look your wordvomit is infectious and it's late and I've lost my point but I'm going to post this anyway before I start agonizing over it.
no subject
Date: 2014-10-07 12:05 pm (UTC)I don't know that it's that much different. I mean...the reason I know I can wordvomit like this to you is because I know you'll understand. And I hope it doesn't come off as condescending because that's the last way I would ever mean it in, but I'm proud of you every day. If you want me to go on that million mile journey with you, I'll be there because I know you'll be with me while I learn how to fucking live my life again. And it's fucking hard and it sucks, but it sucks a little less when you smile at me because I know it's not always easy for you to be open with people.
Thank you for posting it.
no subject
Date: 2014-10-07 12:08 pm (UTC)You're alright though. No, you're Danny. There isn't anyone else I would talk about being open with. Not without actual vomit.
Now I've got class in six hours so if I don't go to sleep I'm going to suck at everything tomorrow. Here's wishing you a dreamless sleep, if you do sleep.
no subject
Date: 2014-10-07 12:11 pm (UTC)Sleep well, Zo. I'll try and I'll let you know, okay?