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Oct. 13th, 2014 07:56 amThis eating every day thing seems to have reawakened my appetite. That's a double-edged sword because every time I even slightly feel hungry I shove whatever's available in my mouth (food, you pervs). Which is good on one hand because I need to gain about twenty kilos before I even reach the lower edge of 'healthy weight' and twenty seven I think before I get back to where I was before all of this.
(The lady weighing me two days ago told me that if I was I female I would have stopped having periods and I just had no idea how to respond to that so I hissed something like 'uh...thanks?' and ran away. I actually ran. Then today I informed her out of nowhere that not all females have uteruses and not all people with uteruses are female and she'd forgotten what she said to me so it came out of nowhere so I'm pretty sure she thinks I'm off my meds which I am not.)
Anyway, I just...the idea of starving ever again is terrifying. God, I was so hungry I was fantasising about eating grass?? I mean, not just grass, that'd be really weird, I fantisised about eating everything, but I kept thinking all I had to do was get outside and I could eat handfuls of grass and it would help the ache. Which actually makes no sense because if I could get outside I could have gone to a fucking buffet instead of just stuffing my face with the lawn, but there you go.
So now I'm so afraid of ever getting to that point again that I'm not just stockpiling bottles of water (thirst also bad) in my room anymore. There's snacks everywhere too (some of them hidden and no way in hell I'm telling anyone where they are) and I'm going to end up weighing 400 kilos because I just panic when my stomach growls and eat all the things.
Don't worry, I talked about it with my therapists and stuff. I'm just trying to be open with the people in my life too. So...one step forward, two steps...sideways?
(The lady weighing me two days ago told me that if I was I female I would have stopped having periods and I just had no idea how to respond to that so I hissed something like 'uh...thanks?' and ran away. I actually ran. Then today I informed her out of nowhere that not all females have uteruses and not all people with uteruses are female and she'd forgotten what she said to me so it came out of nowhere so I'm pretty sure she thinks I'm off my meds which I am not.)
Anyway, I just...the idea of starving ever again is terrifying. God, I was so hungry I was fantasising about eating grass?? I mean, not just grass, that'd be really weird, I fantisised about eating everything, but I kept thinking all I had to do was get outside and I could eat handfuls of grass and it would help the ache. Which actually makes no sense because if I could get outside I could have gone to a fucking buffet instead of just stuffing my face with the lawn, but there you go.
So now I'm so afraid of ever getting to that point again that I'm not just stockpiling bottles of water (thirst also bad) in my room anymore. There's snacks everywhere too (some of them hidden and no way in hell I'm telling anyone where they are) and I'm going to end up weighing 400 kilos because I just panic when my stomach growls and eat all the things.
Don't worry, I talked about it with my therapists and stuff. I'm just trying to be open with the people in my life too. So...one step forward, two steps...sideways?
