Friends Only

[daniel_marlow]

I think it might be best if I don't have any visitors beyond my mum and Rachel for a while. I got in trouble this morning and if I miss anything again for awhile- It just- It won't be good. They kept talking about transfers and I can't do that.

If I end up locked in some room or tied down, all those promises I made? Sorry, but in that case they're meaningless.

Comments

[daniel_marlow]

Cai...thank you. Thank you so much for being honest with me. I'm sorry I made you upset too, because even if you don't get to say what's fair, your feelings are still valid.

I just need to get my head on straight because I can't go back to that place.

No. No it's more...I can't promise what will happen if I go back to that place. If I end up being locked down that's going to bring up all kinds of shit and I can't promise I won't try to die again. Just the thought of it is nearly enough for a panic attack. Which...I guess is kind of helpful because I'm sure as well going to weigh-ins and therapy and stuff now.

I kind of wish I could see Nonnie. I mean...not now, I mean when visitors can come back again. It would be really rude of me to tell you not to come, but hey can I borrow your grandma?

[itsajesusthing.insanejournal.com]

Danny I just laughed so hard it made Dom yell at me because he's trying to watch the news and if I'm going to make a racket I should go to my room.

Yeah you can borrow my Nonnie, you rude jerk.

[daniel_marlow]

I am just getting you into all kinds of trouble with Nonnie and Dom, aren't I?!

I'm glad you laughed though!

I was thinking on one of the days when I have a daypass, can my mum and I come over for dinner? I just want a family dinner so much it makes my chest hurt.

And Cai, seriously, you do help. I'm just fucked up, but that's not your fault.

[itsajesusthing.insanejournal.com]

Yeah I interrupted the weather to tell Dom that you and your mum were coming around for dinner when you felt better and he missed what the weather was going to do in Hull and he's all goddammit Caius and then Nonnie told him off for saying goddammit and told me off for interrupting.

[daniel_marlow]

Uh. So is that a yes or a no?

Are they going to be mad at me? We don't have to do it.

[itsajesusthing.insanejournal.com]

Yes it's a yes! And no they're not mad, at all! I just need to learn some self control, um.

[daniel_marlow]

Hah! Yeah, Cai, you're so out of control all the time.

So we're okay? I'm hoping I'll get myself out of this funk soonish. I ate three meals today. I mean...not big ones, but I still did it. Gabe's making sure I don't try to cheat.

[itsajesusthing.insanejournal.com]

I am, Danny. I'm a bad example for Faye and Roe.

We're okay, anyway. You keep eating meals and I'll try and concentrate on these school projects that I've kinda been ignoring...

[daniel_marlow]

You're know you're actually the best, right?

That's probably a good idea.

I think I'm going to arrange to see Greg next weekend. I mean, if that works for you?

Uhm. Also I might have read back on some of the entries you guys posted while I was missing. Doesn't seem like you got a lot of sleep. Thank you. For looking and for getting people involved.

[itsajesusthing.insanejournal.com]

Wow, next weekend, yeah, man.

And, yeah, that was a bad time. I almost lost it, back then, for a bit.

Screened

[daniel_marlow]

I just want to get it over with. Maybe I'll feel more human after I scream at him for a little while.

I read that Rachel thought I was dead and I- God. You almost lost it? I know it might sound strange but will you tell me what those two weeks were like for you guys? I mean...my mum's the only one who really told me what she went through. She was just with my uncle Max freaking out. You guys all know what was happening to me, but I have no idea what you all were going through beyond worrying and getting Zoe's uncle to organise a small army to find me. Which...is fucking amazing, by the way. I read how many people had been out looking for me. I hadn't realised. I thought maybe it was just Thomas, Zoe and Deirdre. But no, there were people all over the UK and that's kind of...humbling.

Anyway, I just- I don't know, trauma makes us selfish and I feel like everything is always me me me. What happened with you? Did you get those texts I tried to send?

Re: Screened

[itsajesusthing.insanejournal.com]

Yeah... I got texts. I got some texts, I don't know how many you tried to send.

Just before you disappeared, we found out that Dom has heart valve disease. I didn't tell you or Rachel because you were worried about Greg and Rachel had just spent her night in jail, but Zoe knew.

I got really, really angry at our dad. I think more angry than I've been in my life, and I didn't even feel bad about it (I felt a little bad about it but not enough to try and stop). I yelled at Roe too, it was pretty awful, she wasn't doing anything wrong. I just kept thinking what if you and Dom both died. Zoe was the one to snap me out of it. She's something else entirely, Danny, she gave me back all my hope.

Rachel did, too. Zoe went to Wales and I went to pick up Rachel, except once I found her I was barely able to drive, and had to call Dom to come and get us, and she was really good, she sang me the Beatles, god she was exhausted but she still tried to look after me, you know?

These girls, man.

Screened

[daniel_marlow]

I think I tried to send three or four before he took the phone from me. Still weirdly pleased my plan of carrying two mobiles actually worked btw. Who looks for a second mobile? Anyway, I wanted you guys to know what happened. And I mean...how many conclusions are there to jump to considering I have a pretty co-dependent relationship with my mum so I'm not going to run off, but Zoe seems to know of other fucked up things that happen and places people get taken, so you know...it was part begging for help, and part so you guys wouldn't spend the rest of your lives wondering where I went.

Cai, I'm so sorry. Is Dom okay?! Oh man, dude, I am so fucking sorry. If you need to talk about it, I'm here.

Thank you for telling me this, because I think it's made me realise I need to work on believing I mean something to you. If my abduction (and obviously Dom being sick) made you angry enough to lash out...yeah. Okay. I'm sorry I struggle with this. If you were the one missing though, I'd be pretty fucked up over it too.

Zoe and Rachel...I don't even have the words for how amazing they are. Zoe gave you back your hope? Wow, that's- Indescribable. She's given me so much too, probably stuff she'd kick me if I shared, so I won't. But she's priceless.

My beautiful Rachel. I'm so worried about her, Cai. Some days I worry that my being taken just kind of broke her, but hearing this...now I have hope too. (But wow I am sorry you were barely able to drive and you got all mad and stuff!)

This is working. This talking is working because now instead of just feeling confused and lost, there are some actual things I need to work on, and I feel less useless when things aren't so one-sided. I was at a 0 and now I'm around 1-2. Thank you.

How are you doing?

Re: Screened

[itsajesusthing.insanejournal.com]

Dom is reasonably okay. I mean, it would be great if he didn't have a heart murmur, that would be really, really great, but his doctor is pleased with him, and he's taking the whole thing in stride and thinks that me and Nonnie are fussing. It's... kind of the only reason I went back to school this year, because Dom wanted me to and I was worried... you know, I just didn't want to fight with him. And school isn't so bad even though I wish I was doing something practical most of the time. Nine more months till summer hols... uuuugh.

Heeey, 1-2, good stuff. Are you talking about this stuff in therapy too? I started seeing the school counselor last week, too, so we'll see how that goes. I'm probably about a 6, kind of low today because it's sunday night and I don't want to go to school tomorrow. Yeah, huge problems for me, right??

Screened

[daniel_marlow]

Yeah, of course it would, but I'm glad his doctor is pleased with him. I can understand not wanting to fight with him. You'll be finished soon enough and on to doing your awesome things. Do you know what specifically you want to get into? House building or furniture making or what? Ooooh, you could do that habitat for humanity stuff over the summer where they build homes for people who can't afford them!

I'm talking about all of it, and I just wrote down the stuff that came up here so I can bring it up tomorrow. I'm trying my best to be good so they don't send me away. I hope the counselor helps you! And hey, your feelings are valid no matter what they're about. I hope you have a better day tomorrow, Cai.