daniel_marlow | Filtered away from Val - Edited just to Zoe, Cai and Rachel

Have you talked to Abby about it? Maybe she'll know something.

I'm so sorry we didn't find you sooner, Danny.

Well I bitched about it and she did that doctor, 'give it time' thing which argghhhhhh. I mean she's right but AAARRGGHHHHHHHH.

No, Zoe- No. Are you kidding me, you- Zoe, when I think about the fact that you fucking found me at all, I know it's miraculous. And I'm going to close this post to just us because I'm talking about this. But- You had a vision and you saved me. No one else. You. Thank you.

He didn't even touch me in a...you know, sexual way for the first few days. I think he was trying to see if he could talk himself out of it? But he still hurt me. I don't understand. I don't understand why he thought that was somehow better?

Maybe because he's a sick twisted evil fucker who doesn't even deserve to exist on the same planet as you.

We tried. I just can't help but think, if we'd tried harder... you know?

Zoe I saw you, you were pushing yourself to the limit as it was.

That wasn't my limit. I've never reached my limits.

Please-

Zoe, you did incredibly. Please, please don't be upset with yourself. You're the best friend I've ever had. Don't beat yourself up because you...what, slept and ate?

Yeah. Remember how I cut my hands to shreds when I tried to escape? He used that. He would squeeze my hand so hard every time I wasn't cooperating. One time he kneeled on it for so long and my other hand was tied so I couldn't get him off of me and I passed out and then he was so annoyed he elbowed me in my broken ribs. I've never been tortured before, you know? I can see how it works in interrogations because I would have told him anything.

You can't do that. You can't beat yourself up. Zoe. I am alive because of you. I know you well enough to know you were trying as hard as you could.

Fuck, Danny, I kinda wanna break out of hospital and get you high myself.

Yep, just snorted and my nose tube whistled. My life is such a joy right now.

When he was keeping me in that trunk I uhm- Well I'd been in there for well over twelve hours, so you can figure out- Whatever, I needed a shower. And he zip tied me in there and he hadn't even really touched me yet but he was washing me and I was so upset that I turned around and kicked him. He turned the water on cold and full blast and at first it was kind of okay because I hadn't had a drink in like...almost two days and I was so thirsty so I just drank a shittonne of water but then it was so cold and I didn't know cold could hurt so much. Like when you first jump into a chilly lake or the ocean only it doesn't get better, it gets worse. And I was there for so long I could feel my body stopping. Is that weird? The shivering got so bad I was hurting myself, and I kept biting my tongue because my teeth were chattering and then even that was stopping and fucking Greg left me there for like...an hour until I begged him to come help me. And then he had the audacity to make it somehow my fault.

And I thought all that was bad, but it's still happening and it's shit.

Sorry. Sorry I'm dumping this all on you. And sorry Rachel and Cai have to see it too.

It's not still happening, you're out, you're Free Danny, remember? Captive Danny is gone.

I know it's not still happening for real, but the pain is still happening, and the torture did happen and I can't change that. I'm going to have to live the rest of my life knowing what it feels like to be tortured and that's fucked up. And it's new because when I was younger all he needed were threats and I didn't fight at all. This time I fought and that's what it got me. And sometimes I wonder if I shouldn't have just given in sooner because once I finally did that it hurt less. And logically I know that fighting was good, but...god.

Captive Danny's gone sure, but Tortured Danny's still there, kinda lurking and freaking out every time someone I don't know tries to reach for my hand, or any time I even look at a shower (don't worry, I am still taking them because Tortured Danny is better than Tortured and Smelly Danny).

Maybe I shouldn't talk about this here but- It's helping? So. Yay? I mean it's helping me, but if you need me to shut up, I can.

I'm all for Clean Danny as opposed to Smelly Danny.

Talking Danny is okay too. Listening Zoe is pleased it is helping.

I thought so! I just play loud music while I shower so any panic attacks are kind of waylaid by some smooth jazz. Or some smooth The Fray.

No, it's- It's okay. I'll talk to Abby like I'm supposed to.

Okay, cool. Good for music, and Abby.

Yeah. OKay.

I"ll see you tomorrow after classes, okay?

Yes please! Bring pictures of Wolf! I'm going to draw you something before you get here too. Just because.

Nice! Hang on, he's on Hope's bed at the moment (traitor!) I'll snap you a couple of snaps before bed.

Yay yay thank you yay!

Filtered away from Val - Edited just to Zoe, Cai and Rachel

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WHOOPSIE

Re: WHOOPSIE

Re: WHOOPSIE

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