Filtered to Val - edited to private and then opened to Val again.
I love you, Mum.
EDIT: OH GOD, I just read this again and realised it might seem like- I'm not going anywhere, I just felt like saying it.
I can't sleep because I keep having nightmares and that sucks a big hole. Sorry not sorry for saying hole.
EDIT 2: Still can't sleep, arrggghhhhhh fuckbananas. Not sorry for saying that either.
How are your classes? Is it nice to be back at work at least? Not thinking about your crazy son all the live long day? Though I reckon I'm probably really distracting and that I actually am sorry for even though it's not my fault.
I'm just going to ramble to you now. I had forgotten how weird group therapy is. Not really in a bad way, just- There's always the person who decides they're the leader and it's never the actual doctor. And they're all interrupt-y and this one is this girl named Maura and sometimes I want to poke her in the eyes but since I'm not a jerk I just sit there and glare while she tries to tell people how they're feeling until the doctors shut her down. And then there's the person who doesn't say anything. And the person who thinks they don't need it so they make offhand comments. And the ridiculous rules. But I mean...it does help, it's just a weird thing to get back into.
This week hasn't been good, but I'm sticking around. I really hope one day you'll believe that too.
I'm so tired :(
I was looking through photos the other day for a collage and found lots of Melissa on my harddrive. God I miss her. Made me really happy though, to see her smiling face. So I put one of the photos up on my wall. When I was younger and felt like I couldn't go on, she always made me feel stronger. Photo's not the same, but I can remember what she'd say. Like right now she'd say even if I had nightmares, I had a big sister who loved me when I woke up. And even though she's gone, just remembering that can make me realise I have you and Rachel and Cai and Dylan and Zoe and Wolf.
Still tired though.
This means I'm gonna sleep all day. Probably the doctors will call you. Sorry. I'm not good at sleeping schedules yet. Or ever, since I never have been. I haven't sleepwalked anywhere though! So that's something!
I just love you and I miss you a lot. Like. So much. I'm so sorry, Mum. I'm so sorry all this happening to me has meant your life is always about my shit. I used to wish Melissa and I could trade places, because you deserved better than to be left with the fucked up kid. God, apparently not sleeping well in four days makes me even more awkwardly honest. Anyway...I know it's not fair to wish that so I don't any more. Instead I just wish I could make it better for you. I want- I want to make you happy again but I don't know how.
Shit. I shouldn't say this.
EDIT 3: No, fuck it. I'm sick of hiding this shit.
EDIT 4: Okay, I actually am sorry for swearing a lot. I'll do all the chores for a month when I get home, okay? I'm just too exhausted to censor. Last sleep I really had was on the 4th. Since then it's just been like...an hour on and off and I wake up from horrible nightmares and then cry for hours.
...but getting back to the topic at hand, I love you.
EDIT: OH GOD, I just read this again and realised it might seem like- I'm not going anywhere, I just felt like saying it.
I can't sleep because I keep having nightmares and that sucks a big hole. Sorry not sorry for saying hole.
EDIT 2: Still can't sleep, arrggghhhhhh fuckbananas. Not sorry for saying that either.
How are your classes? Is it nice to be back at work at least? Not thinking about your crazy son all the live long day? Though I reckon I'm probably really distracting and that I actually am sorry for even though it's not my fault.
I'm just going to ramble to you now. I had forgotten how weird group therapy is. Not really in a bad way, just- There's always the person who decides they're the leader and it's never the actual doctor. And they're all interrupt-y and this one is this girl named Maura and sometimes I want to poke her in the eyes but since I'm not a jerk I just sit there and glare while she tries to tell people how they're feeling until the doctors shut her down. And then there's the person who doesn't say anything. And the person who thinks they don't need it so they make offhand comments. And the ridiculous rules. But I mean...it does help, it's just a weird thing to get back into.
This week hasn't been good, but I'm sticking around. I really hope one day you'll believe that too.
I'm so tired :(
I was looking through photos the other day for a collage and found lots of Melissa on my harddrive. God I miss her. Made me really happy though, to see her smiling face. So I put one of the photos up on my wall. When I was younger and felt like I couldn't go on, she always made me feel stronger. Photo's not the same, but I can remember what she'd say. Like right now she'd say even if I had nightmares, I had a big sister who loved me when I woke up. And even though she's gone, just remembering that can make me realise I have you and Rachel and Cai and Dylan and Zoe and Wolf.
Still tired though.
This means I'm gonna sleep all day. Probably the doctors will call you. Sorry. I'm not good at sleeping schedules yet. Or ever, since I never have been. I haven't sleepwalked anywhere though! So that's something!
I just love you and I miss you a lot. Like. So much. I'm so sorry, Mum. I'm so sorry all this happening to me has meant your life is always about my shit. I used to wish Melissa and I could trade places, because you deserved better than to be left with the fucked up kid. God, apparently not sleeping well in four days makes me even more awkwardly honest. Anyway...I know it's not fair to wish that so I don't any more. Instead I just wish I could make it better for you. I want- I want to make you happy again but I don't know how.
Shit. I shouldn't say this.
EDIT 3: No, fuck it. I'm sick of hiding this shit.
EDIT 4: Okay, I actually am sorry for swearing a lot. I'll do all the chores for a month when I get home, okay? I'm just too exhausted to censor. Last sleep I really had was on the 4th. Since then it's just been like...an hour on and off and I wake up from horrible nightmares and then cry for hours.
...but getting back to the topic at hand, I love you.